A Road Newly Traveled

What is Best

2011-12-31T12:01:00.001-07:00

Before you judge my life, my past, or my character, walk in my shoes. Walk the path that I have traveled, live my sorrow, my losses, my doubts, my fears, my pain and my laughter. Remember; "Judge not lest ye be judged." Everyone has their own story! When you have lived my life, THEN you can judge me!

Live and learn - really - seriously? I have a friend that is wearing a device to keep her close to home. Crime - tax evasion. She is my best friend since childhood and one of the most loving people I know. Another close friend of over 30 years, another with one of the biggest heart I have ever known. Hasn't taken the best care of herself. Results stage 3 breast cancer; my heart aches. Have chosen to love someone that not too many people understand or tolerate, but I see the pages inside the cover and I love him. My mom is struggling big time with her short term memory. Short circuit in the brain from some strokes. High risk alzheimers. Again, my heart aches.

ME? I understand the heart of God that promises peace if we follow HIS son by, "loving the Lord God with all our heart, soul, and mind". It means choosing to do HIS will & not leaning on our own understanding - following in HIS steps. I have strived to serve and love and accept no matter what - compassion. Some say that this puts me in a position of vulnerability to be taken advantage of. Could be - probably so. But I will choose my heart. Can be accused of choosing my heart over relationships. Unconditional love dictates NOT.

Not really good advice - but sometimes tempting

I am just tired. I seem to leap into life without thinking through the possible outcomes of the decisions I make. Stresses me out at times, results in melt downs and the tendency to shut out life now and then & every now and then I get plain bitchy. But I like to think I stay positive and keep trudging forward.

This picture was showed up on the image google in criticism. Perfect to break a smile to end this post ;-)

OLD FRIENDS

2011-12-09T12:34:00.004-07:00

Time, you old gypsy man, will you not stay, put up your caravan just for one day? ~ Ralph Hodgson

2011-11-01T16:47:00.004-06:00

Moving, traveling, roaming, relocating, advance, change, shift, shove, transfer, drift, meander, straggle, & vagabond a nice finishing touch. My first encounter with a gypsy (before I had a definition) was in Modesto, California. My family met a young couple from India at the local mission. They had a small baby and were living in a tiny travel trailer, which they parked at various places around town and moved when residents reported them. I had no knowledge of their view of life. We took them in to our driveway and hooked their trailer up to our electricity. Comments like, "Why do you pay for rent when you could live like us and save?" Later I learned that in their culture they live in fear of growing old and not having what they need to survive. They live in gypsy style saving what they do earn hidden under a mattress for that day.

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money

~ Susan Heller

My second encounter with the gypsy culture was in Southern Italy. They parked their caravans in the unused fields of local farmers. Again they would stay until the farmer shooed them away to find another field. Each day were trips to the city to beg for money. The mom would position herself on one corner and set her small child on a blanket on the corner across the street. From morning to late afternoon they would ask people passing by for money always ending with a "God Bless You".

Adventure is a path. Real adventure - self-determined, self-motivated, often risky - forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind - and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will every again be black-and-white. ~ Mark Jenkins

From the moment I left home I have lived from here to there and back again. I keep thinking that I will settle down someday. It doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon. At the moment I have my belongings scattered between 3 different locations in 2 states & I am currently residing in one of the offices of my son's plant nursery. I shower at a local RV park & do not make any plans beyond what I can make when I wake each day. Doo-rags are my friend. They cover my bed head in the mornings when I don't have the opportunity to shower. My youngest son says I look gangsta - but I feel like a gypsy & by definition other than ethnicity I am.

The Real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. ~ Marcel Proust

Life is all in how you see it :-)

I Have To Believe

2011-05-31T09:52:00.000-06:00

I have to believe there is more to life than heartache.

How many times can one's heart break

in a life time?

Nothing is Permanent

2011-04-30T12:50:00.001-06:00

A man's heart plans his way

but the Lord directs his steps

Proverbs 16:9

It's times like these that I wish I could load up all my family & friends to take with me on the journey of life.

I'm constantly making plans, but unknown circumstances steer me in a different direction than I originally intended. These forks in the road are getting old & I'm definitely getting older with them & more weary with every turn. It's a bit disconcerting & the disorder a lot overwhelming.

The one diffinitive thing that gives me some peace is God's promises & if it weren't for Him and my family I'm sure my heart's plans would have given in to the wrong forks with longer & bumpier roads.

One thing for certain is that I'm NOT the one establishing my steps. I'm sure unwise choices and Jodi weakness influences get in the way, but thankfully HE knows where I'm going and is there by my side.

I feel like this ASS who is placed in a position to head somewhere, but she can't go forward because she is too small. Good thing I have Someone bigger than me in control of life.

So, a new fork. I have no idea where the road is going. But that's ok. I am resolved to meet whatever is up ahead. What else can you do. Here is the plan....remember my heart makes the plans, the Lord will establish my steps. Thank God!

I'm headed back to my roots, The San Luis Valley. I'll be staying with my dad. I have no idea for how long. My mom is making a similar transition. She has bought a unit in the same building in Arvada I live in now. The plan is to use my place as a corporate rental & in-bewteen when vacant I can see my daughter's family and help my mom.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

- Jeremiah 29:11

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

2011-03-07T08:18:00.005-07:00

Out of respect for anonymity I've changed names

We have a population of homeless where I live in Arvada, Colorado. You see them every week in their routine roaming from Starbucks, to the library to the RTD bus stop, but I'm told that there are many, many more that we never see. They have no where to go, most engage in substance abuse, & they have their daily hits for a bite to eat (RTD bus riders returning from a day at work with leftovers in their lunch bags). There are a percent that are Vietnam Veterans & befriending David led me to meeting others. An occasional bowl of green chili at a local Mexican restaurant led me into a world of education on Vietnam Veterans who continue to live with post-traumatic stress disorder. Through getting to know these men and hearing their stories it apparent that for some Vets their war never ended.

On a walk to the park with my Sadie girl to terrorize squirrels one day I met David sitting on a bench reading a book. He and I & Sadie who David calls that ole' soup bone dog, are common characters around Arvada. Over time we engaged more and more & got to know each other. David is a Vietnam Vet & walks with a cane from a war injury. He has been fighting the system for his benefits for around 40 years. His dog tags were stolen and though he has a social security number, and a birth certificate he is has been pronounced dead in the system. Good news (hopefully), I'm driving him to an appointment soon with 'those to whom it may concern' to see if his status can be ratified so he can be pronounced offically alive and therefore receive his entitlement to VA benefits. He'd really like to see this happen. He doesn't think he'll survive another winter on the streets & I'm tired of hearing him vocalize that he is going to drown himself tonight with a bottle so he can get picked up & thrown in detox in order to sleep in a warm place.

My apprehensions come in crowds;
I dread the rustling of the grass;
The very shadows of the clouds
Have power to shake me as they pass:
I question things and do not find
One that will answer to my mind;
And all the world appears unkind.
William Wordsworth

Recently on a green chili bowl night the waitress told David & I that table 12 wished to buy us a drink. Table 12 were friends of David's another homeless man & a friend named Jim, who is also a Vietnam Vet. For 2 hours I listened to Jim share his experiences. He shared his failed marriage and raising his girls on his own. He has had a bout with Hodgkins lymphoma from exposure to agent orange. He walks with a cane and lives in a small place that holds a 1 person standing only rule. Only one person can stand at a time because there is no room for more; 2 steps to the kitchen, 2 steps to the bathroom, pretty much 2 steps any which way you turn. When he was forced to retire from his cable splicing job at a telecommunications company (due to his health issues) it took him 3 months to be able to lay down on a bed to sleep. He was a work-a-holic and spent his career sleeping in the cab of his truck. His grandkids bought him a metal gun replica to sleep with for comfort. Like many Vets he dreaded 4th of July (fireworks). He went through counseling to deal with the night terrors of PSTD and graduated to cold sweats. He preferred the night terrors he dealt with for years because he got more sleep than with the sweats. It took Jim almost 40 years of fight to procure his VA benefits. He led a squad of 8 men while in Vietnam. You bond in trust to each other for your life. They all agreed to return for another tour of duty as long as they could remain together. There was a shortage of tunnel rats because of casualties and their squad was asked to break up. They refused to be separated so all 8 were recruited as tunnel rats. They lost 2 in their squad. He says you become desensitized to the battle as you see 2 soldiers side by side, one with his leg blown off and suffering and the other dead. You formulate in your mind that you'd rather be the one dead than to be suffering.

There are two immutable rules to war that our Veterans live by:

1. People die.
2. You can't change rule #1

On a visit to the liquor store I met another Vietnam Veteran. This was obvious by his hat that said Purple heart & Vietnam Vet. His leather vest on the backside says, Copper Penny Man referring to his role as a sniper in the Vietnam War. He had a grenade blow up on his backside. He was a nervous little guy, but eager to share his story. He has spent his days watching kids for single mom's waitressing. He was at the store to pick up a bottle of 7-Up for the kids. Marvin is agoraphobic, an anxiety disorder that makes it a struggle to leave the confines of his home. Marvin is an alcoholic & has been married in his words 8 or is it 9 times? We talked so long that one of his adoptive daughters called concerned on his where abouts, he said, "I've been talking to a lady, I'll be there shortly". Just walking to the back cooler to get the 7-Up was a chore, so I offered to walk with him, he said, "Oh thanks, that would good." He mentioned the adrenelin rush of always getting into fights and his distaste for policemen. Often in an ensueing fight people would tell him, "Marvin, NO ONE wants to fight you." It's often the nature of a Vet with PTSD to need to fight in order to cope. It's been years since Marvin has been in Nam, but it is obvious that for him the war has never ended.

PTSD

Per capita, more Vietnam Veterans suffer from chronic PTSD than from any other war. What is learned in trauma is never forgotten.
People with PTSD are famous for self-medicating (drugs, alcohol), however, ex-soldiers have an additional addiction that often lands them in trouble, or jail: an addiction to adrenaline. We love danger, even when trying to avoid it. Deep down inside, we love adrenaline.
Persons with PTSD hold in a lot of anger. It is a free-floating anger with no real target and very subtle causes. It simmers below the surface and can jump out at inappropriate times, aimed at the wrong person for the wrong reasons (displaced anger).
Normal people get warm, then angry, then angrier, and progress to a state of rage if the stimulus to the anger is not abated. A PTSD sufferer can go from A to Z immediately, especially if s/he’s an ex-soldier. Soldiers are taught to react. They are not taught to think, deliberate, or discuss. They are taught to react, because during war, the distance between life and death is measured in milliseconds and centimeters. When anger strikes, it quickly turns to rage.

A friend in Reno posted to me recently that she read that the violence that started the Wild West was due to PTSD of Civil War Veterans. I've learned a lot through my Vietnam War Veteran friends & I'm thankful to now understand what the soldiers of our country endure to provide us all with freedom & protection, something that most of us unfortunately take for granted or never consider. For many of our Veterans, the war never ends

The Secret of How To Make Money

2011-01-30T09:07:00.001-07:00

GO TO WORK

If you are poor......work.

If you are rich.....continue to work.

If you are burdened with seeminly unfair responsibilities.....work.

If you are happy.....keep right on working.

Idleness gives room for doubts and fear.

If disappointments come......work.

If sorrow overwhelms you, and loved ones are not true.....work.

When faith falters and reason fails......just work.

When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead.....work.

work as if your life were in peril.

It really is.

No matter what ails you.....work.

Work faithfully....work with faith.

Work is the greatest remedy available.

work will cure both mental and physical afflictions.

Thank God every morning when you get up that you have something to do which must be done whether you like it or not. Being forced to work and forced to do your best will breed in you temperance, self-control, diligence, strength of will, content, and a hundred other virtues which the idle will never know.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

2011-01-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

Kurt Nilsen and Willie Nelson - Lost Highway

2011-01-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

50 MORE TO GO

2010-12-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

I love music. Once in a while a new song I hear strikes a chord in my heart. A song by Colin hay was one of those lovely chords.

When I was married my husband said that we would live together till we were 103. I'm 53 so that gives me 50 more to go. No, in reality I don't plan on living to 103 & the next 50 will be on my own.

Not really alone. I have my CREATOR, my FAMILY, and my FRIENDS - Blessed for sure!

I'm walking in my old footsteps once again.

Plan on making the next 50 decades rich & full.

This is my rendition of meaning in his song:

Youtube: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin - Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
Jesus was when my real life began - Just have encountered some hiccups along the way

But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
I'm learning daily who I am & understanding real life has always been.

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
I'm getting pretty good at being a dragon slayer :)

And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
Returned back to my roots - Colorado girl

And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Mask is thinner year by year - soon it will disappear - past doesn't haunt me anymore :)

Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
When I went with my brothers from Oakland to Hawaii to scatter our Father's ashes I was struck by the vastness and loneliness of the ocean. I knew that we would see land eventually. My horizon is up ahead - just living day by day in the here and now.

And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Winter Has Arrived

2010-11-11T11:47:00.002-07:00

Landslide - FLEETWOOD MAC

To My Ever Changing Life

Let This Cup Pass

2010-09-02T12:12:00.000-06:00

"My Spirit is willing (barely), but the flesh is weak (greatly)!

Falling in Love with Colorado Over & Over Again

2010-08-25T23:15:00.003-06:00

The Colorado I Love

Colorado Gator Farm

Boletus Mushroom

New Home of the Sargent Farmers

Wild Strawberries YUM

Rock Creek (South of Monte Vista)

Park Creek (Wolf Creek Pass)

Wild Raspberries - Yum Homemade Crisp over Ice Cream!

The Gunbarrel towards Saguache

Jefferson Beaver Ponds

Coyote up Fox Canyon

Poncha Springs

Intermission

2010-08-14T07:42:00.000-06:00

Quiet

Stand By Me

2010-08-11T17:44:00.005-06:00

Dedicated to all my family and friends who have stood by me!

Woke up at 5 am inspired. I guess inspiration doesn't dictate if it's a good or bad time. And yes redheaded Pamela your video'Such Beautiful Faces' & the 'Playing for Change Foundation' have an influence in this.
God has given me amazing family and friends. When I pass on to the over side of the river I will cross blessed for sure. Some know they have stood by me and others have NO clue to what extent they touched my life in a very needed time.

This video is dedicated to so many. I did not have the time or pictures to include you all. For that I am very sorry - for the lack in this dedication in no way means you are any less important for having been a part of my life.

Love in JESUS,

Jodean Kitterman-Leck

In response to a recent comment on my video - I just want to make sure everyone knows that I am through the grieving process! I was only inspired by another blogger & it was my desire to thank those who are instrumental in my life - Blessings!

Friends - Season, Reason, or Lifetime

2010-08-08T14:27:00.002-06:00

A friendship that I felt strongly about dissolved once. At the time I viewed it a loss and could not understand what went wrong? Expressing my heartache with a friend, she shared the following with me. Reading it gave me peace of mind. It wasn't a friendship lost. It was a friendship that had its place for a time in my life. Just as important as any other friendship I had. Blogging has brought new friends into my life. People I likely will never meet, but they add a beauty to the tapestry of my journey on earth. Pamela is one of these. She recently posted a blog titled 'She Had Such A Beautiful Face'. As I watched her video 'Such Beautiful Faces' I envisioned my friends for a reason, a season, and those that remain true for a lifetime. Thanks Pamela for sharing the beauty of your heart!

Reason, Season, or Lifetime Friends

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. S/he has come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. S/he is there to meet a need. Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, s/he will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes s/he dies. Sometimes s/he walks away. Sometimes s/he acts u or out and forces you to take a stand. What we must realize is that the need has been met.

When a person comes into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. S/he may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. S/he may teach you something you have never done. S/he usually gives you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. You must accept the lesson, love the person/people anyway, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
Source: Anonymous

All Over This World: A first for everything.

2010-08-05T19:49:00.001-06:00

My son has joined the world of BLOGGERS!

All Over This World: A first for everything.: "I live in the wilderness. I've got to be a little crazy doing what I do. I think my wife is crazy too. I know my kids are. I'm in a volatile..."

Alone

2010-08-02T13:45:00.002-06:00

This picture in all it's aloneness (with moments of feeling you could fall into nothingness) is profoundly peaceful, scary, extraordinary, majestic, precarious, quiet, beautiful, unstable, delicate, empty and full all at once. This has been my experience in the life of being alone. I thought about sitting in front of a dictionary and thesaurus and raking in 100's of more words. These actually only touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the heart of what aloneness feels like.

I could share the victories and the mistakes I've made in the process of aloneness, but all one has to do is look around the world, in their neighborhood, go to a movie & get caught up in the storyline, strike up a conversation with a stranger or not a stranger and the experiences of a society of lifetimes all speak books about the abstruseness of being alone.

An acquaintance recently shared this video How to be Alone on Facebook. She is still in the process of finalizing her divorce. I have not gotten the chance to really know her, but in the moments we have exchanged hi's and how are you's and also by her Facebook profile - she obviously is a young woman who loves to embrace life in all it's fullness.

I am always astounded by the commonality of humanity when it comes to matters of the heart.

George Graham Vest Speech - A Tribute to Dogs

2010-07-24T22:00:00.003-06:00

Gentlemen of the Jury: The best friend a man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name may become traitors to their faith. The money that a man has, he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our heads.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his dog. A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and in poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master's side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wings, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

If fortune drives the master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against his enemies. And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even in death.

George Graham Vest - c. 1855

Jimmy Stewarts tribute to his dog BO

Diary of a Cattle Dog

2010-07-21T13:41:00.001-06:00

My name is Sadie and I was rescued from a shelter in La Junta, Colorado by an organization called, "New Hope Cattle Dog Rescue and Rehoming". My foster mom, Shehla and her 2 sons were a great beginning in my rescue journey. Talk about a lady that loves heelers! She had just been stitched up in ER from getting in the middle of a cattle dog ruckus not long before she saw our sweet faces on the 'Dogs Endangered' website and felt we were worth saving! Thanks my lovely foster mom! I am forever grateful.

The first attempt at adopting me didn't work out - no problem for this crazy lady adopted me that lives in a small condo with NO yard. But that's ok, she has been amazing when it comes to creative ways to keep me active. We have had quite a journey together. We started out heading to all the local dog parks to play and run. Once I got to know her and got comfy with my new home I began to get a little touchy with the other dogs at the dog park. I just did NOT like it when they got close to my mom. Little protective perhaps, but that is one of the reasons she wanted me. I guess my new mom got tired of my snapping at the other dogs (the other dogs owners were getting a little tiffed too), so she decided to find a different way to give me my daily work outs.

We found this great dirt road in the foothills. I have no idea what got into my mom, but she has this brainy idea that I need at least a 2 mile run in the morning and a 2 mile run in the evening. Maybe it has something to do with insisting on using her sandals as chew toys? Or my sharp teeth when I wanted to rough house? Well for whatever reason I now feel like I'm being trained daily for the Doggy Olympics! The bright side is a cool bubbling creek with great sticks under the bridge at the end of each run. This video shows how much fun and how refreshing it is: Creek Splashing The little girl is Aeva - she loves playing around in the water as much as I do. Sadly she has gone home to TX and I really miss playing with her :-( When we got home today I heard children laughing at our pool and my ears perked up - I was hoping it was her.

Recently my mom got tired of always having to watch for the Burlington Railroad service trucks and the locals that lived up the foothills road. There aren't many cars and I have some good stretches to run, but those darn birds that cause me to madly zig zag across the road at times began to wear ole' mom out with concern. Today she brainstormed and came up with another idea for running off my legs! First off it has been a challenge for a cattle dog like me to refrain from herding bikes, and skate boards, and joggers. I managed to nip a lady jogger one day much to my mom's horror and recently I got a nip in on the back of a dad's leg who was innocently pushing his tyke on his tyke bike. OOPS! So this new brainy idea my mom got has a 2-fold purpose: 1) exercise 2) train me to leave the wheels alone!!!

My mom is now the owner of a set of rollerblades. She tells me she used to own a pair, but they got lost in somewhere between moves and lifestyle changes. Now these blue wheeled shoes looked like a lot of fun! We went to Sloan Lake to test them out. At first mom wasn't sure it was going to work because I insisted that I need to herd her down the path......but I soon got the hang of it! This was like running along side the car, but not as dangerous for me, but I think it's a little precarious for her - at least we get to do it together! We had a man on his bike riding behind us. He was checking to see how fast we were going. Mom loves meeting new people; I think she found a new way draw attention. Oh did I mention she has a different designed bandana for my neck; one for each day of the week? Aeva's favorite is the red one. I don't really care for them, but whatever to keeps the little lady happy. I guess it gives me a little color to my black and white coat (Merle), so I don't mind. I'm outta here for now - I'm worn out from all this running, running, running!

Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled - When You are Stuck in a Moment

2010-07-19T00:51:00.002-06:00

I've had an incredible summer both sweet and bitter. Standing in my neighbors kitchen reading the only verse she had taped on her refrigerator, "Don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have it's own worries. Each day has enough troubles of it's own." Matthew 6:34 and my mind locks onto the verse, "I leave you My peace, My peace I give to you. So, don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

Our pastor started a series called "Reel Faith". His take is that people are drawn to movies (unbeknownst) in a spiritual sense because of the mis-connected dots of their lives (i.e. their thirst for the living water). Today's movie was "Momento" and his message was "Being Stuck in a Moment". Stuck in a moment is allowing life's crushing blows to carry beyond (5,10,20 years?) and allowing those blows to define our lives. Now I don't feel like I've been "Stuck in a Moment" and yet I believe I have worked through my personal blows through healing and time and have unconsciously criss-crossed in and out of being stuck and free in the process.

When my children were kids to pre-teens I did a devotions series through CBH Ministries called, "Keys for Kids". I have been doing this series with my grand daughter while she has been visiting with me this summer. We've had a lot of discussions about life and godly character and GOD. We run my dog every day outside my car (getting the herding out of the cattle dog) 2 miles in the morning and 2 miles in the evening. On the way home from one of these runs, Aeva asked me about ghosts, which lead to angels, which led to a conversation about spiritual battle which led to believing in Jesus. She asked if I would pray with her after our devotions before bed.

We prayed tonight. She was going to pray after grandmother. I prayed for God's protection on her life, for HIM to give her comfort when she became afraid, to help her obey her parents, for her to be courageous and strong, for Him to live in our hearts, to help us be kind to others and helpful, and more. I looked up and she was sobbing and so we just held each other and I told her everything was going to be ok. I became "stuck in a moment", a rush of emotion from the last 6 years all of which she has been a part of off and on in my life. I am so thankful for my Lord's words, "Let not my heart be troubled & don't worry about tomorrow" or I'd be miserably stuck in the twilight of those moments from many crushing blows. She is 6 years old now. She is going home to Texas this week and she is still faced with adjusting to some new challenges and changes to yet another home. My daughter once told me, "Mom, kids are resilient, don't worry about Aeva." God, I pray that YOU protect this little one's resilient heart.

Waves of Gratitude has a quote, "Life without a friend is like death without a witness" That says wonderfully how I feel about my grandchildren and I am blessed to have these precious ones witness life with me.

Life will not be the same when she leaves! on Twitpic

2010-07-07T20:58:00.000-06:00

Life will not be the same when she leaves! on Twitpic

SUMMER 2010

2010-07-03T14:56:00.005-06:00

I cherish every moment with my family and count every breath I breathe a blessing! I will post more pictures as the summer progresses.

Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled

2010-05-26T07:44:00.007-06:00

Blogging is a very therapeutic outlet for stress. I awoke this morning in a start from a nightmare and then in grog, my mind wandered to all the things sitting under what feels like an ominous cloud. I say 'feels like' because I don't want to waste valuable time on the unknown. Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, "That which has been is that which will be, and that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun." Change is the one thing in life I can always count on to be consistent.

Grey Ang has a blog dedicated to various aspects of change. He blogs that change is by fate for by will,..........and he in essence hit the nail on the head with me as he asks this "So, are you considering making that change now? ;) Or are you still in doubt, weighting the consequences and the “price”?"

I am in doubt and I am weighing the outcome of making a change. "Ecclesiastes 1:17-18 says, "And I set my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly; I realized that this also is striving after wind. Because in much wisdom there is much grief and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain." The knowledge of these things meets me when I wake up these days.

So, you might be wondering what it is that hangs over me that occupies a mind of grog. Take this cup from me. Yet this is my cup and the one that I have to drink from. I posted a blog called 'jobs I could get'. It was my reality at 50 years plus trying to enter the workforce with NO skills. Our economy isn't the greatest (hasn't been for a long time has it?). I've had friends and acquaintances lose jobs unable to acquire a new job and they have marketable skills. Places of employment seem to take up the younger generation before they will consider someone over 1/2 a century old. Hey, I use this because I find it humorous. I'm not complaining - just saying is all. I piddled away the first 3 years after my divorce not knowing what direction to go in (in and out of dead end jobs). I got involved with an unstable person and in my over trusting heart and desire to help him, I lost money that was meant for securing my future. I created a comfortable living standard based on the finances of my marriage, banking on life dealing a hand that would allow me to continue that lifestyle. I entered a medical program, racing with time so that I could become part of the workforce before my spousal support dropped in order to continue living in my home. That didn't happen. Amazing what one year delay can do in changing the course of your life. Once again I might be leaving a home I've come to be familiar with (time will tell). Proverbs 16:9 says, "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." In any event I must plan. It's up to the Lord where I end up.

This next one is a big weight on my heart. I left my home in Texas to save a failing marriage. In leaving that home I ousted my son and granddaughter from their home (they lived with me). My last sight as I left Texas was my granddaughter in my rear view mirror and her mom as I dropped them off at a pool party with her aunt. She was only 2 and she abruptly lost her room and toys and stability and protection (my view). It was crushing. I'm reliving that feeling again (without the desperation) with the possibility that I could be leaving my home and saying goodbye to family. I still have to finish school and it is possible (I have to be prepared) that I might not make it. Even if I do, securing a job after all the board exams is timely and it all circles around a significant decrease in my income. I KNOW - nothing new is under the sun. One plan is moving to New Mexico and renting out a studio from my son. With it comes a feeling of loss & gain. I've made a home in Denver and flourished in a wonderful life with my daughter, son-in-law, and grandsons. I would be leaving my grandsons this time behind in my rear view mirror, but saying hello to my precious grandsons in New Mexico, who I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with as they have grown up. I feel like the character 'the push-me/ pull-me'.

My last concern is that granddaughter I left once before. She is coming to visit her Colorado family this summer. We have been praying for her dad to be able to fully support her. She will be 7 in December. She has been living with her Texas grandfather. He is in his retirement years and chose to keep working to support her. My son is planning on taking full custody in the fall. If that doesn't happen then grandpa is asking for help. This is all contingent. Matthew 6:34 says, "Do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This is an easy thing to say & not so easy to do. What will tomorrow bring? I don't know. I just want to rest in today and let tomorrow take care of itself. John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." Peace in my grog - it evades me.

Lead Me With Strong Hands

2010-04-22T10:47:00.002-06:00

We know in our heart the Lord's purpose and design for us in a family and in relationships. The brokenness of people around me and my own heartache could have been avoided, simply by our nurturing a relationship with God and leaning on HIS understanding to help us nurture those He has entrusted for us to love. He also created music and outward expression of the heart. This song is a prayer - the prayer of man's need for God to lead him - but it is a prayer for us ALL to nurture those God has placed before us on the path of life. It moves me.

SONG: Lead Me

Living Saturday by Daisha Versaw (my daughter)

2010-04-03T20:54:00.000-06:00

Today at 9:24am

This is an entry from my journal a year ago today. It's about a part of my faith as someone who follows Jesus that is hard to wrap my mind around. It's the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter, but it's also about all of the times when God seems silent and removed. The thirteenth month out of work, another miscarriage, the dad who walks out, a diagnosis of cancer.... you know the times when you cry out to heaven and - nothing. I believe that hope lives in Saturday and that deep under the silence there is a rumbling as God continues to live and work and move. There is power and hope here and when we live through times like this we are changed, but power and hope are far removed from the feeling of Saturday,
and this is what that feeling is like for me:

Still and silent, the blood of God has dried, coagulated in the dust, crusted in the jagged wood of the spent cross. That powerful blood, the blood of the Lamb (who takes away the sins of the world) today is stained wood, dried red mud. The blood is dry and powerless to cleanse. All it can do is crumble, break, stain.

The tomb is shut.
The Spirit is silent.
The Christ is descended to hell.
Eyes longingly search the heavens for hope, but there is none.
Hopeless eyes, dried blood, satiated tomb, spent cross, silent God.
Stuck in Saturday. We can't go back and change the past or skip ahead to the future. There are times we must live Saturday. We must endure this moment of painful silence, hoping beyond hope that something greater is at work beyond what we can see today.
We remember a time when salvation came, when powerful blood flowed to cleanse, where the cry of the Son shattered time and space setting all free.
We long for triumph, ressurrection, the emptying of the tomb, the defeat of hell. We hope for his beauty to break forth like the dawn, for life to well up again.
But today it's Saturday.
He came down from the cross, but he came down dead.
Jesus blood never fails me, but by all appearances it has.

Jobs I Could Get

2010-04-01T10:26:00.000-06:00

I went through a divorce in 2007. It was quite a reality wake up call for me. I spent my 30 year marriage sacrificing for one man. In that period I did very little for myself as far as developing my own skills or advancing my education. So, where did that leave me once the divorce was final? I ran across a youtube video that produced a chuckle. The demographics was geared towards a younger generation, but it held so true for me. It is sort of ironic that at 52 years old I'm in a similar position. I could very much relate to this video because I held a temp job, applied at a coffee shop, trained for customer service in the airline industry, and am currently enrolled in a medical field. I'm still not sure what I will do when I grow up.

VIDEO: Various Jobs I Could Get

Sadie Girl

2010-03-28T18:47:00.021-06:00

Sadie my Companion & Friend

I grew up a naive, small town girl referred to as wet behind the ears by my parents and gullible by most everyone else that knew me. I basically went from my parents home to starting a family of my own minus about 3 years out in the world fiddling around with education & not making sense of where I fit in. So, I called up my first love from high school and said I'm ready to get married. Without going into detail - the marriage failed after 30 years - but I did receive 3 great kids beyond what I could have imagined & the funnest grandkids in the world right?

Single life hit me all over again at the age of 49. I'd pretty much been joined at the hip by the same man most of my life and being single was like a fish out of water. I made some pretty unhealthy choices that were not a total waste because I learned some valuable lessons. The most important lesson being that I could not redefine my belief system just because I was sitting in a puddle of rejection. It got me in trouble and I learned that by allowing my value system to be compromised I weakened my armor and got pretty beat up in the process.

I had pets growing up. I've always loved dogs. Our lifestyle while married made having pets difficult. I lost count on our moves and a good 20 years was spent traveling around the USA and other countries. Now I am single and not moving around. I decided I needed a companion and at almost 53 I am tired of talking to myself. When I was raising my oldest 2 kids in South Fork I found a stray blue heeler at the local flea market. She smelled like sheep and was afraid of men. We kept her around for a few weeks and I named her Sadie. She was a great dog. She had been very well trained. But she never warmed up to my ex-husband and we already had 2 dogs. So, he announced we could not keep her (always regretted that), so we gave her to a male friend who farmed in the Valley. But, like I said she did not like men and she ran away from him. We never knew what happened to her. It broke my heart because I really wanted to keep her.

One night in my lonely mid-life single state of mind I started thinking about wanting more than me. Playing with the grandsons is always a blast, but my daughter is very active and involved with life and I still needed to fill in some alone time. Dating was not working out (not involving God in my decisions). It was one of those nights where sitting alone wasn't too fun and I thought about that Sadie long ago. Thinking led to google. Google led to blue heelers. Blue heelers led to New Hope Cattle Dog Rescue and Rehoming. New Hope led to Rachel a rescue dog who was rescued along with her brother Rusty from a shelter in La Junta. She caught my eye a long with a couple of others. I was discouraged from one because he was not kid friendly and I have grandchildren. The other I tried out for one night. But she had no energy and I needed a dog that was hyper like me. One visit with Rachel and I was sold. She was a love. She is now my dog and I am her human and her name is Sadie in memory of my South Fork Sadie. She is a great companion and I'm thankful to have found her.

VIDEO: Sadie

Pray IF You Will

2010-03-26T00:40:00.019-06:00

I recently joined a site that inspires bloggers thru sharing their blogs for ideas of more to write about - to promote whatever. Like we don't have enough on our minds. I am finding a lot of greats blogs! Technology has permeated the byways of the air. I have never struggled so desperately to keep on track with the projects I'm responsible to attend to. My heart just isn't there! I can't keep my mind on what I'm suppose to be doing.....but I have to be doing something - so I blog. A recent quote I read says it well, "A rut is a grave with 2 open ends". Someone close to my heart told me the other day, "Don't say you can't, but you won't!" She made her point. The ModernSophist buzzed my seed today and I got caught up in his blog site. "Praying as a Hobby" caught my eye. In his words, "I’m pretty sure that praying is not the same thing as thinking. Some people are using the word “Pray” where others would normally use the word “think,” as in, ”Yes, that is a difficult issue."

I'm a firm believer in prayer - then again maybe not, because I do so little, but I'm sure I think a lot. I think way more than I pray. Meditation is another word used in conjunction with prayer. So, yea, I think I think more than I should - pray and meditate less than what will bring fruition. I went to a seminar on prayer in the 80's and the thing I came away with is this prayer is like a pregnant woman. One needs to be pregnant in prayer before it can give birth. Sadly, you wouldn't know it today but I have experienced this amazing phenomenon of prayer (thinking/meditation) called God, Jesus, I AM, Mediator, True Vine, Rock, The Resurrection, Bridegroom, Finisher of Our Faith, Rose of Sharon, The Door, and the list goes on. Prayer seems like grasping at straws (to make a futile attempt at something) much of the time - enlighten us how to pray. I'm pretty sure it's way easier than we make it and actually the ModernSophist is not far off from his observation - communicating in prayer is 1/2 thinking and it's my opinion that the meatier 1/2 is listening for HE is The Teacher, The Life, The Word, Wonderful Counselor, Light of the World, Chief Cornerstone, The Way, and THE AMEN.

Celine Dion & Josh Groban

Never Give Up

2010-03-25T13:41:00.003-06:00

Nick Vujicic

VIDEO: Life Without Limits

This post is in response to someone sharing a youtube video on facebook. Appropriate timing during some discouragement and a huge letdown in my life. These videos speak for themselves & are a beautiful reminder of God's amazing grace in living life without limits.

VIDEO: In God I Trust

I Have A Bad Habit

2010-03-21T14:07:00.005-06:00

I have a bad habit. When life overwhelms me I want to disappear. Problem is - life doesn't always give you that option and neither do people.

My daughter has my number. I try to put my head in a hole like this ostrich. My daughter has seen her mom withdraw and try to escape her problems before apparently. A dead give away is NOT ANSWERING my phone!

So like this ostrich I have a tendency to bury my head in a hole - but like this ostrich he/she is still exposed and can't hide.

There you have it. You just can't refuse to face the music of life! Thank God for my daughter. Thankfully you can't keep your head in that hole for long. Does this really look like a comfortable place to be? Better to come up for air and look around and be prepared don't you think? On the other hand it feels like a safe place to be, but false security. Give me time; eventually I will have to come up for air.

Melissa Mashburn has her own reflection of hiding from her life giants - Hiding Under Blankets. I wish all emotions could be considered sugar-filled.

Retreat & Take A Break

2010-03-19T09:13:00.009-06:00

VIDEO: Rachael Yamagata & Ray Lamontagne - Duet

VIDEO: Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me

Success or Failure

2010-03-17T13:07:00.019-06:00

Success or Failure is often determined on the drawing board

~Robert J. Mckain

It is wise to keep in mind that no success or failure is necessarily final

~source unknown

In all our deeds, the proper value and respect for time determines success or failure

~Malcolm X

Who gauges success or failure? Is there a formula of medians? This is a bitter-sweet goodbye to a hard work done. Only God and man himself can know the inner recesses of his heart, his struggles, his passions, his loves. I read a story recently about a teacher who who learned first hand what a little encouragement can do for another in hard times.

This is almost surreal to me. Tidbits of knowledge through the past 2 years came to heart as I think through my future. As I think through what my actions currently will mean to what's ahead. As I consider what those who have followed my steps will think or not think, understand or not understand. And why would anyone - I don't myself completely. Honestly I have not felt complete for a long time. Honesty....hmmmm that is another elusive thought without borders.

I was soaking in a tub this morning along with a tub of emotion - trying to recover from a night of anguish till 4am. A concept I learned in respiratory school emerged out of that tub. It deals with lung mechanics and secretions. How does this relate? Well, when a patient is on a mechanical ventilator, 2 of the values that are monitored are peak pressures and plateau pressures. If any changes are noted the issues will depend on if only one changes or both change in a time period of trends. School has been a trend of peak pressures. If only peak pressures rise that is indicative of a need to suction. I've been suctioning off the buildup of stress for reasons mentioned in previous posts.

Last night I felt a change. Let's be fair. I don't think anyone can make an observation that I am giving up and have a balanced opinion that is so. Last night my peak and plateau pressures changed together. In the clinical setting that is an indication that the lung mechanics have taken a turn for the worse. This means that the underlying problem is deteriorating (i.e. fibrosis, decrease in compliance, etc.). My heart was anguishing last night. - my peaks and plateaus were changing together. The mechanics of my heart are feeling the wear of time.

This is not a light matter - HELP. This is a matter that has been weighing on an already weighted heart. I have felt pulsating pressures changing the mechanics of my life. And as in the clincial setting - you have to watch the signs and trends and be on top of what they mean - a change in the mechanics of the lungs i.e. the mechanics of my heart and life. Well, I'm going to make a change based on assessment. If some view it as giving up than that is alright. The weightiness of this decision for me is what has been my fight and determination to become independent of my ex-husbands resources and my concern that it is only time before he has had enough himself. Next to that is the fact that this decision carries an added financial burden. I still need to finalize an area of education that will lead me into the ranks of the working (more school loans). Next is the added element of time. What is time anyway, but the design of the universe that divides our lives into increments and chapters of life experience?

A bum part of depression is the minds inability to grasp a balance of where the depressed should be. What do they think? What do they do? How do they resolve the progressive pressures that have caught up to them and are causing their emotions to circle the drain? I don't know, but no step in any direction is NO step at all, obviously. Action is at least a step.

I will still succeed - and if I have failed then I will use those failures to my advantage.

My nephew is coming to visit today. And today I'm going to concentrate on enjoying him. He lost his dad on Thanksgiving and his life changed overnight. He didn't get a choice to decide what would happen to him. He is brave and good-hearted and so the next 2 days are his and they are mine to have and hold.

VIDEO: Inspiration

Spring Forward and Count Your Blessings

2010-03-14T15:14:00.018-06:00

Daylight Savings Time. It is time to spring forward. Today is a good time to state a rebuttal on my earlier post "The Art of Hidden Emotion". And of course every day is a day to be thankful for all good things from Him who gives them.

"Think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are honorable & right & pure & beautiful & respected. Do, what you learned and received from me, what I told you, what you saw Me do. And the God who gives peace will be with you" Philippians 4:8-9

Depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness are intense and unrelenting, with little, if any, relief. I googled this statement because I have been fighting the dark clouds in my life. I am going to counter the bullets in my previous post by springing forward and counting my blessings. So, I rebuke you feelings of helpless, hopeless, worthless crumbs for I have a lot to do and a lot to be thankful for!

In the blog "Perfecting 2010" I found a fellow survivor who woke up to a new reality - life alone in her King Size bed. In her 'Affairs of the heart' and 'My Children = My Breath' I found a quieting support from yet another woman who has experienced the aching heart of divorce. She like me has found her joy in her children (and me also my grandchildren). We both have experienced loosing site of the real world in lieu of crawling out of the shattered pieces of our life. We are strong and have chosen to take the blessings we've been richly endowed with and spring forward!

I have experienced the richness of many cultures around the world

I was blessed to help care for my granddaughter the first 2 years of her life (incredible)

I have wonderful, strong, wise children - wonderful son-in-law & daughter-in-law

God gave me the strength to endure a failing marriage

Every plane I boarded domestic and international in 2006, I was met with a divine appointment - angels in the form of man (fellow passengers i.e. "life coach" etc.)

When I returned to the USA broken at heart I wanted to hit the road and disappear. God had a different plan. An awesome 2 year old was waiting for grandma to love him

while his mom was in the hospital for a month.

I had loving friends around the country that were a phone call away in moments of sadness

STD's and HIV tests were negative!

Bad Choices have brought me to my camel knees

I was able to work in the rental office at my condo

a great transition into the work world

Prayed for my ex-husband

(don't freak - God loves him)

Met some wonderful people in Memphis when training with Northwest

& had a taste of US culture quite new to me

Was able to spend quality time with my DAD before he passed away

Aeva's Grandfather, fondly know as Papu (right Melvin?) has given our granddaughter

a home, her own bed, security & love

Traveled from Oakland to Hawaii with 2 of my brothers to scatter my dad's ashes in the Pacific

Can you imagine? The timing was amazing - we had to say goodbye to Dennis not long after

Missed Viviane's citizenship ceremony - So happy for you!

Was introduced to WIA (workforce) helped pay for my return to school

Hey, I have a place to lay my head at night!

Going through the change of life while going through a change in life - get my drift - God has a sense of humor

Friday the 13th - no hot water - there is HIS humor again - we'll talk about this when I get home

Get that heavenly cup of JOE ready

Reunited with family over the summer I hadn't seen in years in memory of my Aunt Anne

scattered her ashes in the mountains in "The Church in the Wildwood"

Grief, what can be said about grief? Family is an amazing unit & I'm astounded by its resiliency

Bonding time with my brothers and mother at Dennis's memorial - saw people from

the San Luis Valley I hadn't seen in over 30 years

I'm thankful for my mother who while enduring her own heartaches

is yet so supportive of me with mine

I'm Thankful for a loving God & Protector

"Don't forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet.

Then you will be respected and please both God and people.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding.

Remember the Lord in all you do and He will lead you in paths of righteousness."

Proverbs 3:3-6

Ending with the words of a friend - my pastor when we lived in Italy & someone who has also experienced the heartache of a failed marriage:

"You may not know it, but you are still healing from the divorce, dealing with other family issues, plus you lost your brother!......GOOD GOD LADY, from where I am sitting you have had to take the mountain head on, no strolling through the gentle rolling hills and meadows. Don't let that big rock you are rolling up the side of the mountain squish you either."

Fellowship of the Unashamed

2010-03-08T22:38:00.005-07:00

I am once again part of the thought provoking conversations that make being a part of a small group of believers in Jesus so special. I have missed the stirring deep within to attain to a higher standard for HIM. Tonight at study group the question was posed, "What makes calling someone into the life of following Jesus worth it?" I know why. And just knowing Him is enough. Life as a human on planet earth is minute in light of creation. Yet it is key to God's ultimate plan for mankind. I remembered a statement I read a long time ago by a young African martyr (though I don't really know the origin)and decided to google it tonight. It is a statement of faith that we have a tendency to lose site of the midst of life's imperfections and personal struggles. Thought it worth sharing tonight as a reminder to myself again who I am in HIM.

VIDEO: Worth Dying For

I am part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." I have Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I've stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals!

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought , compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up, or burn up till I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops.

And when He comes to get His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear.

No MORE Heavy

2010-03-07T14:21:00.014-07:00

I'm ready to lighten my life up. Ready to gain back joy that has left me like a long lost friend. I'm ready to wonder and dream and take a chance. I'm ready to put the past behind and jump over a cliff (with a bungee attached of course). I'm ready to learn and teach and grow. All this business of sitting in the valley and living in the valley and growing mildew in the valley of my soul needs to end. I seem to keep hitting walls, but they really aren't walls that can't be knocked down or gone around. Hey, I'm ready to greet you with a smile, listen with a caring ear, spend a little time just relishing the important things in life.

I was visiting with a friend this weekend and we were just shooting the breeze. It seemed like everything being said brought a picture of something to mind from my past. My response to these images is usually to enter that deep & dark valley, but lately they have been more quippish - more light of heart. The snippets that left my mouth might have appeared negative (sounded so to me), but in a healthful sort of way. I backed up and kind of apologized for my coarse vocal responses. She said something to me that made my brain wake up and pay attention. She said, "Hey, sounds to me like you are healing." Her statement sounded funny at first, but I realized that my reactions to those normally disturbing thoughts no longer felt heavy, foul, & smoldering. It was more a place that just stated the obvious - just sort of a matter of fact, you are absolutely right. WOW - that was really, really cool. That was WAY cool!

VIDEO: be all that God called you to be

Reclusion - Just for a season

2010-02-14T08:54:00.005-07:00

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were: any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

φJohn Donne

VIDEO: Billie Holiday "Solitude"

The Arvada Boys

2010-01-10T15:56:00.005-07:00

I really miss having my kids and grandkids close by. It's my prayer that someday (maybe?) we'll all be close in miles.

These little guys give me joyful occasions to look forward to more times than I can tell you. I love answering my door, greeted by 3 smiles that beeline to the toys, books, and puzzles.

I had them today while Dad & Mom did other things. We ate oranges & popcorn, created art on the Sesame Street computer program, drug out the art box and Rainer made mom a sign with his name on it. We ate Grandma's spaghetti with Dad & Mom and I look forward to the next time, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time!

VIDEO: Thank You Mom!

Pinion Nuts

2010-01-10T14:27:00.016-07:00

If I had a list of things I would want in heaven, these little nuts would be sitting on the table in my heavenly home!

Mr. Anderson is a dear friend & classmate that shares my love for these roasty yummy little guys. Clark," Hey Jodi, want to go in with me on a 5 pound bag of pinions for $65?" YOU BET!! It wasn't but 6 years ago I could buy them in Socorro, New Mexico at the Ace Hardware for $4.50 per pound. They kept them in a barrel in the middle of the store with a scoop and paper bags. Why So pricey? A pinion tree only bares every 7 years & and they have been gaining popularity. Thus the term "Pinion Hunter".

Pinion Hunters

Every fall my sister-in-law, Wati (from Indonesia), my dad Sonny Crawford and his cousin Julia set out to hunt for these tasty little morsels in the mountains of the San Luis Valley. Wati is a pro. Haven't figured out how she manages but she always comes away with 25% more than the rest of us AND she has very few empties. If you pour them into a bucket of water the empties will float to the top.

You set out with the biggest bucket you can & a pinion hunters worst nightmare is tripping and spilling their beloved nuts on the ground. Poor Julia, she had one of these fateful spills. In her good heart she encouraged me to keep picking and she would work on recovery. Pinion nut hunters won't abandon their fellow hunters! It was a process but we got those nuts back in her bucket.

I end with the last text from my friend Clark Anderson, "Yum - yum -yum, I can taste those sweet nuts already. This is a bad addiction. Pretty soon we'll have the whole class eating them."

Jodi, "Nawwww, they'll be gone before the class ever sees them!"

How easy is it to down 2 1/2 pounds? I know how long it takes me. If you want to know the answer, you'll have to try them for yourself!

VIDEO: Pinion Expert (Alex) Sorry this was the best I could find.

I Grew Up in the San Luis Valley (Colorado)

2010-01-09T17:55:00.025-07:00

The San Luis Valley

This is one of the most beautiful places on earth. There was a time when I was younger that I couldn't wait to leave. Now as I drive into the valley I'm struck by its beauty mixed with memories both happy and sad. People of the San Luis Valley have even dedicated a page on FaceBook: I Grew Up in the San Luis Valley & That Makes Me Cool!

FaceBook: I grew up in the San Luis Valley & that makes me cool!
We even have our own t-shirt making that statement - thanks to a San Luis Valley Lover!

It is surrounded by the Sangre de Cristo (Blood of Christ) & San Juan Mountain Ranges. It is known for the Sand Dunes National Monument, Wolf Creek Ski Area, Skippy the mysteriously killed horse (sorry I don't think it was aliens), Alferd Packer (notorious cannibal),avid arrow head hunters, roasted pinions, the alligator farm at the old hot springs pool, Creede Repertory Theater, Rio Grande Scenic Railroad and abounds with potato farmers. And if you've picked wild asparagus on the fence line, can spot the heart and the eagle on the Cristos, and have visited the impound built for the Japanese during the war (near the Coors plant in Monte), it's just x-tra proof you are a true Valley-ite! Coming in from the north you enter the valley on a road that is called the Gunbarrel - straight and narrow - seems like it will never end and is frequented by the state patrol; Patrolman Sanchez was not necessarily convinced he was related to me through my grandmother Sanchez.

I went to school between Monte Vista & Center, 'School of the Sargent Farmers'. A school dedicated to educating farmer's kids. There was a time Sargent Farmers even had a 2 week break in August to work the fields during potato harvest. I graduated with 27 others (is that right?). Playing hooky was out of the question. Where would you go - sit in in an irrigation ditch? Besides my father was the principal and the only time I played hooky, I went to the library (brainy idea) only to have him find me and ask my why I wasn't in class?

During elementary school we ended each year with a class picnic to the Sand Dunes National Monument. The winter snow run off from the mountains was still in process and we spent hours sitting in the ripples filling our suits with sand. It was great fun to board down the dunes with with trash lids or garbage bags. I had my first kiss in the bushes in my sixth grade year which (Gary and Doug) I shared with Beth!

Yes, I grew up in the San Luis Valley. My first 2 children were born there and now my daughter's sons are making it 6 generational Colorado born (only they live in the Denver area). I grew up in the San Luis Valley and that makes me cool, not to mention it ranks as one of the coldest spots in the nation every year more often than not.

Alfred Packer was jailed here: The strange odyssey of Alfred G. Packer has generated much controversy over the years, from those who believe he murdered and cannibalized five men for his own profit to those who insist he was innocent of murder and merely ate human flesh to survive. He's considered something of a local hero in some parts of Colorado, and despite evidence that supports his more nefarious side, people continue to defend him.
In 1873, Alfred Packer, 31, went with a group of 20 other prospectors from Bingham Canyon, Utah, near Salt Lake City, into the San Juan Mountains in Colorado to seek wealth from mining minerals, including gold. He claimed to have been the guide for this expedition, but there is evidence that this may have been an exaggeration if not an outright fabrication. Apparently some of the food supply was lost along the way, and the would-be miners grew hungry and desperate.

VIDEO: San Luis Valley - Thanks you Don Conoscenti! Great footage!

My New Mexico Family

2010-01-09T13:47:00.029-07:00

My middle son Kristopher spent most of his early adult life touring with GX-Jam, an entourage of in-line skaters, skate boarders, BMX bikers, break dancers, sharing the liberating message of Jesus. It was on one of those tours that he met his vibrant Brazilian wife Viviane (now a US Citizen! Hooray!). They have blessed me with 2 equally as vibrant and fun grandsons - Josue & Noah!

My Only Grand daughter

2010-01-09T12:09:00.040-07:00

I was the only grand daughter of my mother's mother for years before new baby girl Kirsten (Allard) Barnes appeared :-)

Grandmother, "Jodi, you are the most wonderful grand daughter I have!"

ME, "But Grandmother! I'm your only grand daughter!"

My grandmother was awesome. She took care of my brothers and I when my mother became single again and went back to college. A busy potato farmers wife, but she always had a moment to share a loving touch on her way to hang clothes or fix lunch for my grandfather between irrigation changes (never felt invisible to her). So, I was absolutely delighted when my one and only grand daughter, Aeva was born. I wouldn't trade all my grandsons in the world, but it sure is nice to buy girly clothes. She has the bravery of most of my grandsons. Nope tarantulas don't scare her!
Video: Aeva Held Rosie!

Then there is her daddy,Kim who is my youngest son (he's the baby gotta love him - and I DO!). Daisha & Kris, awesome son-in-law Ryan, and awesome daughter-in-law Vivi - make our family complete! A recap would be to say, "MY HEART IS FULL!"

What to do when Christmas sucks by 'my daughter'

2009-12-25T14:40:00.007-07:00

I am thankful for God's gift to me this day - my children and their talents that He has so generously endowed to them. One of those gifts HE has endowed my daughter with is words and I have been bless by them numerous times. With those words is a beauty that shows itself in other creative ways. I love you Daisha. I love you Kris. I love you Kim.

Life has a way of working itself out (God carries us through). Memories that must fade, fade with time - but they only fade. I determine in my heart to face life with Jesus at my side. I determine to do what's right only to fall short. I determine that I 'CAN' only to find that what was once a part of me rears up it's ugly head and reminds me that I 'WAS' and am no longer. Hard to be an I 'CAN' with a new I 'AM' at 52 years old.

Today on Facebook my daughter posted "no beauty... despised and rejected, a man of sorrows.. familiar with suffering... He took up our sickness and carried our sorrows...the punishment that brought us peace was upon him (from Isaiah's prophecies of the "Christmas Child"). For all who carry pain at Christmas and feel cheated out of what it "should" be like - you are so close to the heart of the story. God is with you even there. (Her words that are HIS words and radiate from HIStory)I know this & it gives comfort but does not always ease the pain.

Video: Christmas with ALL my children & grandchildren

A year ago my treasured first child wrote this and I don't want to lose it, so thought it worth posting again. She writes:

What to do when Christmas sucks...
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Today at 1:47am
It’s 12:26am, December 25, 2008. I really want to be in my warm bed, but I just can’t sleep. I finally gave up after trying over an hour and came down to flush some thoughts so I can get back to it and hopefully have better luck.
This is the first year I can remember where the Christmas season has just felt rotten. I never feel like listening to Christmas music for days on end, but I usually love it during the days right before Christmas. Tonight was Christmas Eve, and I wanted to rip the radio out of the truck and chuck it at the mini van in the next lane with the red nose and reindeer antlers tied onto it. It was all getting under my skin and I hated it.
Today I had lunch with my friend, Lynda and she was talking about how when people are sad around Christmas, Christmas makes them feel worse. We feel like we really should feel merry and cheerful this time of year so we try so hard to put on that face, but it’s just miserable. Lynda said, “People need to realize that sometimes you just need to go in the bathroom and lock the door and cry, and that’s all right.” So after lunch I tried it, but it just made my head hurt and my kids were crying in the kitchen so I got up and took some Aleve and went back to looking for my gloves.
So, pretending to be cheerful doesn’t help, and letting myself be miserable didn’t work either. I guess another option would be to just find some way to BE cheerful, but here’s the reality… This is the 3rd Christmas since my family fell apart. My parents broke up, and the family just disintegrated. People I cared about were breaking down, drowning in alcohol, relying on drugs, living on the street, and wanting to die. Somehow Christmas brings all of that back. Remembering how things were reminds me of how things are. On top of that I'm just too aware of other people hurting. A lot of people I love are sad or going through a tough time now. I can’t just, “Not dwell on it.” It’s everywhere I go.
There was some song on the radio today about remembering the meaning of Christmas and how it was about being with your family and giving. What about when your family can’t or won’t be together or when they are but hate each other, or when no one appreciates what you give? Then the meaning of Christmas sucks, so Christmas does too.
Then there is the famous sign that one of my neighbors put in the yard, “Jesus is the Reason for the Season.” Somehow the slogan doesn’t fit with my reality either. Some of us don’t even know Jesus or even much about Jesus. I do, but the thing for me is how does the baby in the barn change anything for my family or my pain? My parents knew Jesus and their marriage failed anyway – and that’s the story for lots of people. My friend Lynda and I both know Jesus, but we were sitting in IHOP drinking bad coffee feeling sad on Christmas Eve anyway.
My old pastor, Peter used to talk about this part of the Bible that says, “We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.” (It’s in Corinthians 4, and I didn’t memorize it but it was on top of a stack of stuff on my shelf, which is lucky or I wouldn’t have found it at now 1:04 in the morning.)
Peter talked about how the treasure in people becomes more visible when the clay gets thin. People who are less full of themselves are more like treasure, or easier to find treasure in. Children are a great example. I took my kids to the zoo tonight to see the lights with our friends and they were so beautiful and excited and good that they almost broke my heart all over again, but this time it was in a good way. They are full of something I often miss, and I think that’s the treasure. My kids are full of life and love and goodness, and I think they are full of God. I think that’s the good of Jesus. He was a snotty little baby, born in a barn and yet in him was this incredible treasure. My favorite line of a Christmas song is, Long lay the world in sin and error pining ‘til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. Just a little goober, but he was God with us and I know because of him at least my soul has felt its worth. It’s amazing.
So, getting back to how that relates to those of us for whom Christmas does indeed suck. Here is how I dealt with it tonight, and here is what I would recommend. The pain and ache and misery, I think is called being emptied, and I think it can be good for us. It’s realizing that we don’t have the answers and we can’t fix our lives or the lives of anyone around us. We can try to stuff it with staying busy and shopping and singing along and flying through the season, but I think that is like eating sugar when you’re hungry. It doesn’t work for very long. We were listening to “Silent Night” yesterday and my 4 year old said, “Mom, this song must be about Jesus because it said ‘the Savior is born’ and there’s only one savior in this world.” I think that’s the first step to dealing with the pain – to realize we can’t fix what’s wrong when what’s wrong is us. I agree with Rainier; there’s only one savior in this world. This time of year could maybe be a good time to try to find out something about him.
If you know him and feel the pain anyway, then maybe do take Lynda’s advice. Lock the door and let yourself cry, but don’t stop there. Lay out the broken pieces of your life, your health, your family, your loss, your dreams, whatever you know is wrong. Let your clay (your self) be pierced and thinned, broken and shattered and emptied. Then ask God, what he has to fill that empty dirty mess. Just be still and let him breathe on you and see what he does. I think he will put treasure in you. It might be like a seed that grows with time or a beautiful gift, but I think you’ll find it. That’s what I’ve been trying to do tonight and I feel like things are still not right but they’re set against a backdrop of grace and I feel pretty well at peace and as rested as I can be at 1:30 on Christmas morning. I wish you a good Christmas, a redeemed Christmas full of grace and rest and peace.

We all carry pain at some time in our life and unfortunately Christmas seems to magnify it for many. Next time the pain seems to shadow the goodness of living, practice Aaron Wongs words in 'Build an Ark: Spreading Acts of Random Kindness'“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”

My Baby Brother -

2009-12-06T18:17:00.014-07:00

In Memoriam - Dennis Kitterman 1966 - 2009

Thanksgiving is a day of well, thanksgiving. In a world of pain and unfairness there is always room for thanks. In the evening of Thanksgiving when most people are recovering from a full belly and waiting for room for a left over turkey sandwich on a homemade roll - I received a call from my mother in AZ announcing that I had lost a brother. "Which brother, Mom?" I have 2 that are older than me. Never would I have envisioned it being my baby brother, Dennis. It's difficult to be thankful in the midst of losing one so young in the family. It's always my worst fear to lose one of my children before my time to go. My heart aches for my mom. My heart aches for my nephew whose world was his DAD. My heart aches just because of the sadness I wasn't ready to experience and unprepared for. I love you Dennis Kitterman. You are my baby brother and will always be. Until we meet again. And don't worry about Ellis. He is a trooper and loved by us all. We will surround him with our love and support and hold him when he misses you. Your big sister - Jodi

I am posting "Missing You" by the Black Eyed Peas because that is the CD Ellis wanted that was most recently in your possession.
Black Eyed Peas

Dennis Blog: My son Ellis (my nephew)

Dennis Blog: A dead guy

The Value of Support Systems

2009-09-26T11:34:00.017-06:00

Where would I be without valuable words of support!

from

Barbara Tooker (sister-in-law)

Accent on Parenting

Also, we end up doing what we think about. So, you will not snap at the wrong person and the wrong time if you do not think of snapping at all.
I read an interesting little book recently called 212 Degrees. The idea is that water is just hot water at 211 degrees. But when it reaches 212, it becomes all powerful because it boils. It can move, steam, generate energy, change properties, and change lives. You can, too. Just go that extra degree of thinking that you are getting through the program with flying colors and that you are meeting all challenges, no matter what, and so it will be. That extra degree of thought process will get you there. I want you boiling - working on all cylinders with no negative thoughts. You have chugged so far and well up your mountain that you can taste the summit. Your little engine that could is almost there and nothing can stop you now except powerful negative thoughts.

I know exactly what you are talking about in terms of your car incidents. It's proven about stress. There's an index called the Holmes Rahe Life Event Scale that illustrates this perfectly. It's like wet clothes on a clothesline. The heavier the cloth and the more clothes on the line, the more chances are that the line will sag or break. You've got to get some of those wet clothes off the line. Figure out what can go and dump them. You're too close for anything else to matter except your health and achieving that goal. You're almost there, almost there, almost there. You will succeed, will succeed, willl succeed. Do not let detractors win. You are the winner. Focus. Concentrate. Sleep when you can. Eat throughout the day. Drink plenty of liquids. Take really good vitamins. Combine faith and courage. Corinthians is true. It goes on to say, "love is kind....." So love yourself kindly, know that love will carry you through, and set aside all worry and negative thoughts which are not a part of love.

"Monkey with Glasses" gave a wonderful illustration by relating the stresses in our life to cleaning out our pool, synonymous with removing the wet clothes off my line! The header on your page brings a smile to my lips: When you start getting the crap out of your head, your vision improves!

Video: Procrastination! Discipline slips through my fingers!

To Be fulfilled

2009-08-23T08:44:00.008-06:00

August 23,2009 Today is one of those days where I really am questioning. God you are meant to fulfill me, but where do you want me to go in life and what purpose do I have for existing. I love you, I love my family, but I feel lost & alone. I don't know what to do. So I just do and do and do and do and do. What else is there for me to do.........

Video: God's Chisel

Dedications, tornados, and reunited friends

2009-07-06T22:41:00.009-06:00

Just finished my first round of clinical rotation. Sometimes I think I'm incapable of merging what I know with practical application. Summer isn't really summer with 9 credits of online classes. This summer has pretty much been rain and tornados! Yea, my goodness gracious, growing up tornados were reserved for places east of Colorado. My mother wrecked her car. Thank goodness it was a small ding, but it postponed her trip to see us for a couple of weeks. My grand daughter is flying by herself from Dallas to Denver and she is only 5. I know she can do it, because she is a great little traveler. A friend who lost touch with me found me on facebook and I was very sad to hear she lost her husband in December :-(
My grandsons were dedicated last Sunday at the Vineyard.
Video: Rainier, Jonas, & Kiran's dedication (Mile High Vineyard) Arvada, Colorado

I miss my New Mexico family. My house is a wreck and I fight motivation constantly.

My mother made it! My granddaughter did fine flying by herself for the first time!

Healing difficult and slow

2009-07-06T22:27:00.005-06:00

How I would love to take back my life. To re-live days past. I know my God says to to rest in his care. To trust in tomorrow because he lives. How long will it take? I just want to wake up one day and breathe in with peace. To start the day with a light heart and end the day with a satisfied spirit. I avoid facing situations every day what have been familiar to me for decades. I don't want to avoid anything in life anymore. I want to have the confidence to face it all because I have the best advocate in the universe. I have to accept that healing takes time. I have to to accept it is difficult and slow. For right now, maybe next year, or maybe I honestly will not know when till I wake up and it just is. I just want to get through 2 months without facing unexpected tears that can't be stopped. But for now I just need to accept what is.
Video: Cardboard Testimonies

Pickens Class 2010

2009-06-24T10:23:00.006-06:00

The students in the respiratory program at Pickens are like a family. It's an intense program and being together with the same focus and stress everyday has a way of melting you together as a group. It's a great family with a broad scope of backgrounds and different ages. It's a tough program and it is what you put into it. And what you put into it is not that easy. It takes dedication. We represent Poland, Somalia, Germany, the Midwest, the East Coast, many came from the airline industry and a few already work in healthcare. We are parents and wild youth and grandparents. One of us had a liver transplant and this is as challenging for his stamina as my tired 52 year old brain. I love our sweet quiet gal from Somalia who was not sure she'd fit in but with the prodding of C.A. he managed to bring out her bold side. Now she is outspoken, but still sweet. We lost a student to cheating, one whose child was ill, one who has a difficult time juggling full time work & studies, and a couple that just weren't dedicated to the grueling effort. Some want to try again and others are headed on a different path. We have a common goal and desire to complete the race and that unites us.

Day to Day

2009-03-13T10:26:00.006-06:00

I just finished finals in 2 classes and a mid-term. Never in my imagination did I see myself at this stage of life returning to school (will be 52 in May - YOU hear me!). I heard about others doing the same in the past and counted my blessings and prayers that I did not have to walk in those footsteps. Yet here I am! And you know. I've learned that the statement, "You do what you have to do" has held true to me. OF course there is that part of my personality that barrels head-long in life and unless someone bellows out WHOA lassie................it takes a major melt down (my bodies warning system) to make me stop in my tracks long enough to regroup to continue my erratic race & face the brick walls I haven't hit yet. Those that don't know me i.e. instructors, friends, fellow students say........you are stressed, wacked take a chill pill and all the while I'm thinking WHY? This is ME! This normal! This is all I've known. Like this blog. This always sounds like a great release; a way to reflect; a place to jot some thoughts and maybe learn more about myself. But it will pass in a short while and then on a whims notice I'll take it back up, but always fun to see where this 1/2 century brain has been and where it is for the next time.

Melt downs seem to be a common occurance lately. Melt downs for me are like allergy triggers for others. The overall precursor is the stress of maintaining disciplined study habits for school. My lifestyle has been nothing but scattered for most of my ex-married life. Lost count of the moves I've made and where I've lived when. So, living in one place and ironically the state of my birth, and now my grandkids making it a 6th generation of Colorado natives, it's like a road newly travled all over again. Now almost 30 years later here I am again starting a new life but now on my own. And it has not been without some very crude realities. The quarter from hell as I've been told has kept me on my toes. In the midst of this quarter my car window was smashed and items stolen, I hit menopause with what seemed 25 hot flashes a day & my EX and his wife decided together that he and I should try again(in case your wondering YES I consider this very bizarre). This morning Friday the 13th (no I'm not superstitious) I awoke to NO hot water which ended up with more problems in the hot water tank closet than I was aware.
The bright spot of this Friday is NO school and my grandsons are coming to visit grandma and that makes life worthwhile all the time!