A Road Newly Traveled

My photo
Arvada, Colorado, United States
Thankful that I have knowledge of the ONE and only that gives me a reason to live life fully each day.

Cleansing

"Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.

"NO, you will never ever wash my feet!"

Unless I wash you, you won't belong to me.

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Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Where is this going?

It's Been a Long Time

Went to bed at 6:36 p.m. Woke up at 11:30.  I have to wonder why of all nights.  Grabbed my IPAD a game or two and then to social media.  So sad to see a post that hurt to the core of my heart.  It's been a long time since I've felt the heaviness of the past.  Only this time the heaviness is for 2 classmates I went to high school with.  Social media again.  I noticed the last entry for one in this relationship was around Christmas - with family and the joy of a grandchild.   Next entry right after a January birthday and a tangled, sad twist of news that will never allow their marriage to be the same.  My heart is heavy.  Praying came quickly.   OH YES, I have traveled this road.  I almost deactivated this blogging account.   But blogging about life gets things off your mind sometimes and yes sometimes it's plain therapeutic.

I'm in a cloud of surreal right now.  The acts of the human heart just boggle my mind.  I've made my own decisions of darkness not realizing the effects it would have on myself or those around me.  I cannot imagine the whirlwind of emotions encompassing my classmates right now.  I can't begin to fathom the pain and confusion and mistrust and anger.  38 1/2 years of marriage - high school sweethearts.   Mine was short of 30 years - high school sweethearts.  

They say it takes 1 year of recovery for every 3 years of marriage after a divorce.   That's about 10 years for me from the time of divorce. I recently went through some pictures of my life with my ex-husband.   I wanted to throw everything away and my daughter salvaged many.  I was going through some of what she saved for the first time in almost 10 years last week. It was quite amazing to discover  that the scars are much much smaller.   I felt no regrets looking through them, no pangs of pain.   My grandsons shared about their uncle that of 5 years old (Ex-husbnds new family) and again no pangs of pain.  Just was.  

If I could sit with this classmate, who I always felt had a good heart - I would listen and I wish I could tell him that he will be fine.   I think he has a great support system.  His sister told him:
It's not time to move on. You've been run over by a Mac truck. It's going to take some time to even figure out what happened, and to look for your glasses. Moving on is down the road. It's not even in the equation now. 

Thank God for our support systems!

My mind was turning this way and that way - buggers!  SO MUCH FOR SLEEP!  Had so much going through my head just had to blog..........wish I could have put it all down but now sitting here typing I can't remember 1/2 of it.  Darn, some of it was really good I thought too!  OH my.

So, if you my friends get to read this I want you to know that you are loved.......you both are loved.   I haven't seen you since we were 18.  I don't know all about your life together.  I don't know about your struggles.   I'm not going to pass any judgements.  But this too will pass and it will take a long time.  But you will be ok.  I know you will be ok.   

God hates divorce - it is one of the most painful things in life.  He will carry you and someday you will look back and in amazement see HE was there in all His grace through the pain.   HUGS

Well I got my 5 hours of sleep - just started a little earlier & now it's time for COFFEE!!!!  Your coffee post is coming.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Living in a Land Between Time

Sundowning
 For patients with sundowning syndrome, a multitude of behavioral problems begin to occur in the evening or while the sun is setting.
Factors that may contribute to sundowning and sleep disturbances include:
  • End-of-day exhaustion (both mental and physical)
  • An upset in the "internal body clock," causing a biological mix-up between day and night
  • Reduced lighting and increased shadows causing people with Alzheimer's to misinterpret what they see, and become confused and afraid
  • Reactions to nonverbal cues of frustration from caregivers who are exhausted from their day
  • Disorientation due to the inability to separate dreams from reality when sleeping
  • Less need for sleep, which is common among older adults


Mom called me within minutes of arriving home from work.   She was crying, "Do you love your mother?"   Of course I do mom.   "Can you come get me?"   Your having a tough time aren't you? "I need you"  Ok mom, let me feed Sadie and change my clothes.   I'll get there as soon as I can.  

They were just getting ready for the evening meal - minestrone and bread with a side of shepherd's pie.  Valda was sitting with us (she says she is part Cherokee & used to ride a harley). Mom has taken Valda under her wing as her responsibility.  Valda just wanted to go home.  Mom was determined to help her get there.  One time home  was North Denver and then Colorado Springs.   Mom wanted me to take her.   After she realized I wasn't going to cooperate, Mom was going to get her a bus, rent a truck that was outside and it was a continuous discusion all through dinner.

I managed to get them and 94 year old Bea - who can't hear squat over to the sitting area to watch American Idol.   Sadie girl  I can always count on to divert their attention when it gets too much for me.  Mom & Valda were sitting on  a love seat which was normally another's settling place in the evening - this was upsetting the apple barrel a bit.   

3/4  into the show - there was a Ruckus around the corner and Wilma came out with her walker and a few of her pictures etc.   She was packing.   She comforted mom about Joe.   We have no idea who Joe is.   Ed got up to go to his room - only he was headed in the wrong direction.  There are 6 rooms on each side.  He was on the wrong side.   He thanked me for leading him.  I was lost he said.  

All the ladies I interacted with including my mom have been here for months and maybe a year or longer, but one moved in Sunday and my mom and Valda just showed up today.   I am tired.   It really was like living in a land between time.  There is no yesterday - 2 minutes ago did not happen - home is wherever the mind tells them it is at the moment - tomorrow is alway a time to get busy and get done what they need to, only they have no idea what that is.  And they are always urgent that they need to go - when you ask where - they have no idea.   

I saw a movie on x-finity on demand last year.   It was a Canadian film - started with the wife drying the frying pan after dinner and putting it in the freezer.   My aunt died of accelerated alzheimers - my mom doesn't remember her sister - 2 mintues later she does.  

I searched youtube to try and find a clip that could share what I experience.   But nothing worked for me.  Nothing told it like I feel it.   This is the closest - not much but a start Independent Lens


I walked out of Nightingale without saying goodbye.   It didn't feel right and in the the back of my heart I was thinking mom might get upset,  but more than likely mom will forget, the gal working would just tell her - your daughter is coming back - and in the land between time - hopefully in a good moment she will look forward to that and not be sad.  

How long will this timelessness last?  BUT  KNOW - I will take that time and do my best to fill it with humor & laughter.  Believe me my mom has not been the happiest in her life - but she loves her friends.   She has always been concerned for the feelings of others.

My 8th birthday - she made sure I invited all the girls in my class and I was not allowed to exclude anyone!!!!   And when the twins ingnored my plea to leave the eggs alone in the nest in the tree because the mother bird would reject them & then they dropped to the ground and broke (hysterical me) - - I was the one that was sent to my room - because my guests were important.  

She is still taking care of those around her - but not knowing how to anymore - she turns to me - only I tell her - MOM YOU HAVE A VOICE - You do it.   It is frustrating to her and to me.   
Sadly my prime time with mom is sundowning time - imaginary moments - timeless voids.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Blue Heeler


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Someone I Know Does It Better

Between, work, dogs, mom, house, etc I just don't have the energy to blog.  Someone I know does it better, so I will share her infinite mind of creativity here.  My lovely daughter Daisha has 2 blogs, one on family and their life and the other on mindful wanderings, both wise and interesting.

Daisha's wordpress


&



Daisha's family life

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Summer 2012 with Squirt Naggle Aeva

East Coast Company



Drag Races




Local Nuts


Visit with Uncle Bill & Aunt Wati




Colorado Gators & Such





Children's Museum


Clear Creek




McDonald's Grand Opening


San Luis Valley





Playdough Creation





Friday, December 9, 2011

OLD FRIENDS



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Time, you old gypsy man, will you not stay, put up your caravan just for one day? ~ Ralph Hodgson

Moving, traveling, roaming, relocating, advance, change, shift, shove, transfer, drift, meander, straggle, & vagabond a nice finishing touch.  My first encounter with a gypsy (before I had a definition) was in Modesto, California.  My family met a young couple from India at the local mission.  They had a small baby and were living in a tiny travel trailer, which they parked at various places around town and moved when residents reported them.  I had no knowledge of their view of life.  We took them in to our driveway and hooked their trailer up to our electricity.  Comments like, "Why do you pay for rent when you could live like us and save?" Later I learned that in their culture they live in fear of growing old and not having what they need to survive.  They live in gypsy style saving what they do earn hidden under a mattress for that day.  

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money.  Then take half the clothes and twice the money 
~ Susan Heller

My second encounter with the gypsy culture was in Southern Italy.  They parked their caravans in the unused fields of local farmers.  Again they would stay until the farmer shooed them away to find another field.  Each day were trips to the city to beg for money.  The mom would position herself on one corner and set her small child on a blanket on the corner across the street.   From morning to late afternoon they would ask people passing by for money always ending with a "God Bless You".

Adventure is a path.  Real adventure - self-determined, self-motivated, often risky - forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world.  The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it.  Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness.  In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind - and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both.  This will change you.  Nothing will every again be black-and-white.  ~ Mark Jenkins

From the moment I left home I have lived from here to there and back again.  I keep thinking that I will settle down someday.  It doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon.  At the moment I have my belongings scattered between 3 different locations in 2 states & I am currently residing in one of the offices of my son's plant nursery.  I shower at a local RV park & do not make any plans beyond what I can make when I wake each day.  Doo-rags are my friend.  They cover my bed head in the mornings when I don't have the opportunity to shower.  My youngest son says I look gangsta - but I feel like a gypsy & by definition other than ethnicity I am.

The Real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. ~ Marcel Proust

Life is all in how you see it :-)







Saturday, April 30, 2011

Nothing is Permanent




A man's heart plans his way
but the Lord directs his steps
Proverbs 16:9






It's times like these that I wish I could load up all my family & friends to take with me on the journey of life.

 I'm constantly making plans, but unknown circumstances steer me in a different direction than I originally intended.  These forks in the road are getting old & I'm definitely getting older with them & more weary with every turn.  It's a bit disconcerting & the disorder a lot overwhelming.
The one diffinitive thing that gives me some peace is God's promises & if it weren't for Him and my family I'm sure my heart's plans would have given in to the wrong forks with longer & bumpier roads. 





One thing for certain is that I'm NOT the one establishing my steps.  I'm sure unwise choices and Jodi weakness influences get in the way, but thankfully HE knows where I'm going and is there by my side.














I feel like this ASS who is placed in a position to head somewhere, but she can't go forward because she is too small.  Good thing I have Someone bigger than me in control of life.









So,  a new fork.  I have no idea where the road is going.  But that's ok.  I am resolved to meet whatever is up ahead.  What else can you do.  Here is the plan....remember my heart makes the plans,  the Lord will establish my steps.  Thank God!  

I'm headed back to my roots, The San Luis Valley.  I'll be staying with my dad.  I have no idea for how long.  My mom is making a similar transition.  She has bought a unit in the same building in Arvada I live in now.  The plan is to use my place as a corporate rental & in-bewteen when vacant I can see my daughter's family and help my mom.  

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
- Jeremiah 29:11

Monday, March 7, 2011

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Out of respect for anonymity I've changed names
We have a population of homeless where I live in Arvada, Colorado.  You see  them every week in their routine roaming from Starbucks, to the library to the RTD bus stop, but I'm told that there are many, many more that we never see.   They have no where to go, most engage in substance abuse, & they have their  daily hits for a bite to eat (RTD bus riders returning from a day at work with leftovers in their lunch bags).  There are a percent that are Vietnam Veterans & befriending David led me to meeting others.  An occasional bowl of green chili at a local Mexican restaurant led me into a world of education on  Vietnam Veterans who continue to live with post-traumatic stress disorder.  Through getting to know these men and hearing their stories it apparent that for some Vets their war never ended.
On a walk to the park with my Sadie girl to terrorize squirrels one day I met David sitting on a bench reading a book.  He and I & Sadie who David calls that ole' soup bone dog, are  common characters around Arvada.  Over time we engaged more and more & got to know each other.  David is a Vietnam Vet & walks with a cane from a war injury.  He has been fighting the system for his benefits for around 40 years.  His dog tags were stolen and though he has a social security number, and a birth certificate he is has been pronounced dead in the system.  Good news (hopefully), I'm driving him to an appointment soon with 'those to whom it may concern' to see if his status can be ratified so he can be pronounced offically alive and therefore receive his entitlement to VA benefits.  He'd really like to see this happen.  He doesn't think he'll survive another winter on the streets & I'm tired of hearing him vocalize that he is going to drown himself tonight with a bottle so he can get picked up & thrown in detox in order to sleep in a warm place. 


My apprehensions come in crowds;
I dread the rustling of the grass;
The very shadows of the clouds
Have power to shake me as they pass:
I question things and do not find
One that will answer to my mind;
And all the world appears unkind.
William Wordsworth
Recently on a green chili bowl night the waitress told David & I that table 12 wished to buy us a drink.  Table 12 were friends of David's another homeless man & a friend named Jim, who is also a Vietnam Vet.  For 2 hours I listened to Jim share his experiences.   He shared his failed marriage and raising his girls on his own.  He has had a bout with Hodgkins lymphoma from exposure to agent orange.  He walks with a cane and lives in a small place that holds a 1 person standing only rule.  Only one person can stand at a time because there is no room for more; 2 steps to the kitchen, 2 steps to the bathroom, pretty much 2 steps any which way you turn.  When he was forced to retire from his cable splicing job at a telecommunications company (due to his health issues) it took him 3 months to be able to lay down on a bed to sleep.  He was a work-a-holic and spent his career sleeping in the cab of his truck.  His grandkids bought him a metal gun replica to sleep with for comfort.  Like many Vets he dreaded 4th of July (fireworks).  He went through counseling to deal with the night terrors of PSTD and graduated to cold sweats.  He preferred the night terrors he dealt with for years because he got more sleep than with the sweats.  It took Jim almost 40 years of fight to procure his VA benefits.  He led a squad of 8 men while in Vietnam.  You bond in trust to each other for your life.  They all agreed to return for another tour of duty as long as they could remain together.  There was a shortage of tunnel rats because of casualties and their squad was asked to break up.  They refused to be separated so all 8 were recruited as tunnel rats.  They lost 2 in their squad.  He says you become desensitized to the battle as you see 2 soldiers side by side, one with his leg blown off and suffering and the other dead.  You formulate in your mind that you'd rather be the one dead than to be suffering.  

There are two immutable rules to war that our Veterans live by:
1. People die.
2. You can't change rule #1



On a visit to the liquor store I met another Vietnam Veteran.  This was obvious by his hat that said Purple heart & Vietnam Vet.  His leather vest on the backside says, Copper Penny Man referring to his role as a sniper in the Vietnam War. He had a grenade blow up on his backside.  He was a nervous little guy, but eager to share his story.  He has spent his days watching kids for single mom's waitressing.  He was at the store to pick up a bottle of 7-Up for the kids.  Marvin is agoraphobic, an anxiety disorder that makes it a struggle to leave the confines of his home.  Marvin is an alcoholic & has been married in his words 8 or is it 9 times? We talked so long that one of his adoptive daughters called concerned on his where abouts, he said, "I've been talking to a lady, I'll be there shortly".  Just walking to the back cooler to get the 7-Up was a chore, so I offered to walk with him, he said, "Oh thanks, that would good."  He mentioned the adrenelin rush of always getting into fights and his distaste for policemen.   Often in an ensueing fight people would tell him, "Marvin, NO ONE wants to fight you."  It's often the nature of a Vet with PTSD to need to fight in order to cope.  It's been years since Marvin has been in Nam, but it is obvious that for him the war has never ended.  

PTSD
Per capita, more Vietnam Veterans suffer from chronic PTSD than from any other war. What is learned in trauma is never forgotten.
People with PTSD are famous for self-medicating (drugs, alcohol), however, ex-soldiers have an additional addiction that often lands them in trouble, or jail: an addiction to adrenaline. We love danger, even when trying to avoid it. Deep down inside, we love adrenaline.
Persons with PTSD hold in a lot of anger. It is a free-floating anger with no real target and very subtle causes. It simmers below the surface and can jump out at inappropriate times, aimed at the wrong person for the wrong reasons (displaced anger).
Normal people get warm, then angry, then angrier, and progress to a state of rage if the stimulus to the anger is not abated. A PTSD sufferer can go from A to Z immediately, especially if s/he’s an ex-soldier. Soldiers are taught to react. They are not taught to think, deliberate, or discuss. They are taught to react, because during war, the distance between life and death is measured in milliseconds and centimeters. When anger strikes, it quickly turns to rage.

A friend in Reno posted to me recently that she read that the violence that started the Wild West was due to PTSD of Civil War Veterans.  I've learned a lot through my Vietnam War Veteran friends & I'm thankful to now understand what the soldiers of our country endure to provide us all with freedom & protection, something that most of us unfortunately take for granted or never consider.  For many of our Veterans, the war never ends

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Secret of How To Make Money

GO TO WORK
If you are poor......work.
If you are rich.....continue to work.
If you are burdened with seeminly unfair responsibilities.....work.

If you are happy.....keep right on working.
Idleness gives room for doubts and fear.
If disappointments come......work.
If sorrow overwhelms you, and loved ones are not true.....work.

When faith falters and reason fails......just work.
When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead.....work.
work as if your life were in peril.
It really is.
No matter what ails you.....work.
Work faithfully....work with faith.
Work is the greatest remedy available.
work will cure both mental and physical afflictions.

Thank God every morning when you get up that you have something to do which must be done whether you like it or not.  Being forced to work and forced to do your best will breed in you temperance, self-control, diligence, strength of will, content, and a hundred other virtues which the idle will never know.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Monday, December 6, 2010

50 MORE TO GO

I love music.  Once in a while a new song I hear strikes a chord in my heart.   A song by Colin hay was one of those lovely chords.  
When I was married my husband said that we would live together till we were 103.  I'm 53 so that gives me 50 more to go.  No, in reality I don't plan on living to 103 & the next 50 will be on my own.  
Not really alone.  I have my CREATOR, my FAMILY, and my FRIENDS - Blessed for sure!
I'm walking in my old footsteps once again.
 Plan on making the next 50 decades rich & full.
This is my rendition of meaning in his song:


Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
Jesus was when my real life began - Just have encountered some hiccups along the way

But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
I'm learning daily who I am & understanding real life has always been.

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
I'm getting pretty good at being a dragon slayer :)

And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
Returned back to my roots - Colorado girl

And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Mask is thinner year by year - soon it will disappear - past doesn't haunt me anymore :)

Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin


Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
When I went with my brothers from Oakland to Hawaii to scatter our Father's ashes I was struck by the vastness and loneliness of the ocean.   I knew that we would see land eventually.  My horizon is up ahead - just living day by day in the here and now.

And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Winter Has Arrived

To My Ever Changing Life





The Kitterman Family

Jodi's Voicemail

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.

My Favorite Things

  • Being part of my children's lives (treasure time to visit with them all or individually)
  • Listening to my grandchildren share their minds (what a blast to hear their imaginations!)
  • The Blue Print of Life!
  • "Finding God in Unexpected Places" by Yancy
  • "Loving God" by Colson
  • My friends
  • espresso - the stronger the better
  • SLEEP - which always evades me (the espresso maybe?)
  • electronic gadgets: my Palm Pre, video editing (gotta watch it or I get carried away)
  • TV shows: Cash Cab, House - don't watch a whole lot
  • Movies with original content (Inkheart, The Game, Stranger than Fiction, Lemony Snickets, Last Breath, City of Joy, ...and such)
  • Music - a dear friend opened up a whole new world to me
  • Quantum Physics fascinates me

BibleGateway.com - Verse Of The Day